Today in important cheeseburger news.
(Keeping It Short.)
When it comes to the song “Scream & Shout” by will.i.am (featuring Britney Spears), I have found that there is no gray area: people either love it or hate it.
As it happens, I love it and my sister hates it.
The funny thing is, I love it even more since I found out that my sister hates it, because whenever I hear it on the radio I think of my sister doing her fake-British-accent mockery of “All eyes on us…all eyes on us…” and that is HILARIOUS STUFF RIGHT THERE.
* Must be a high school graduate
* Must be enrolled in an accredited 2 or 4 year college or university for Fall
* Must be a legal resident of the United States
* Must have a most recent GPA of 2.0 or above
* Must not be currently incarcerated
My sister & I tweeted about the Cubs at the exact same time (just as the super bowl ended), and didn’t even plan it!
USING INSTANT MESSENGER AT WORK FOR VERY IMPORTANT PROFESSIONAL THANGZ
Fave co-worker: My niece is selling girl scout cookies if you want any. They’re $4 a box.
Me: Four dollars per box?! Is the Girl Scout organization approving loans these days?
Fave co-worker: The Girl Scouts are the original artisanal bakers, charging artisanal prices.
Me: Lemme get my dentures in and tell you about how Girl Scout cookies used to be $2/box when I was peddling the shit out of them. What kind of cookies is she selling—not all troops/regions have the same ones available.
Fave co-worker: Thin Mints, Samoas, Tagalongs, Dosidos, Trefoils, Dulce de Leche, Thank U Berry Much (never heard of it) and Savannah Smiles.
Me: “Thank U Berry Much” is a cookie? Fuck that noise.
Fave co-worker: Its, like, cranberry nonsense.
Me: Hang on, I have to Google those. OH MY GOD THEY’RE CALLED “THANK U BERRY MUNCH”. MUNCH. Like, snack.
Fave co-worker: Munch is a gross word and probably illegal to use around minors.
Me: Stahp, girl scouts. You’re traumatizing me.
Fave co-worker: It’s like the weird ginger of the cookies.
Me: When do you need the cash? Or can I just pay you in organs? I have a kidney worth about $8 that I could trade you for 2 boxes of cookies. Just think about it and get back to me.
You do NOT, under any circumstances, call into a “Rewind” radio station that has a “Class Reunion” lunchtime show and, when the DJ asks, “Are you ready to go back to 1986?” answer “Yeah! That’s when I was born!”
You just DON’T. It’s wrong. Respect your elders.